Yes, I was Pregnant

OK - so my husband, Cayce and I met with our doctor last Thursday. He confirmed that yes, we were pregnant and that we had an early miscarriage. He said "you were pregnant just like the next door neighbor who got pregnant naturally was pregnant" and "the reason you had a miscarriage is no different than the reason the next door neighbor had a miscarriage". So fine.

So why??? Why why why? The doctor said it was too early to pull tissue sample to understand better what happened. So we are left speculating. He said to me "when you first found out you probably looked at your husband and said 'it's your fault'. And then you looked at yourself and said 'it's my fault because ____________'. He said you could fill in the blank all day but that it's not my fault, it's not Cayce's fault. It was our destiny the minute that egg and that sperm came together.

Again - why? I need better answers. Our doctor said that in 90% of tissues samples that they pull from women my age, it's a chromosomal deficiency in the EGG (translation: my fault) that is attributed to AGE. (I am 38). So 38 = BAD EGG = BAD EMBRYO.

My doctor said "if I was to do David Letterman's Top 10 Reason why you couldn't sustain a pregnancy, the 1st 9 1/2 would be "age" ". Asshole.

I believe now that age is definitely a contributing factor to infertility. But we started trying right after I turned 35. And I can't tell you how many times before that we were not so careful.

Why is it, then, that I know more people who have had babies in their thirties than in their twenties????

I am still left wondering.

Day 1 (or should I say Day 1095)

I have cried now for 7 days straight. And then I awoke at 2 in the morning and decided to write it all down. I just ordered online Peggy Orenstein's Waiting for Daisy. I checked the book out from the library about 2 years ago, somewhere earlier along the mad journey towards trying to have a baby. I found her story terrifying, unfathomable and heartbreaking even though she ended up with a wonderful baby girl. I thought "no way" could my journey even remotely reflect hers.

And now here I am. 3 years into the journey, 7 days post-miscarriage after my 1st IVF attempt that resulted in pregnancy only to find out a few days later that I actually had what is called a "biochemical pregnancy". I don't even know what the means. Was I pregnant or not?????

So I am lying (laying?) in bed thinking that now I might find comfort in Orenstein's story.

So this is not my story. It's my RANT! For everyone that is sick of waking temperatures and HCG levels and crappy insurance coverage and being poked and prodded and analyzed and plagued with feelings of guilt and confusion. And MEN - I know you have some things you want to get off your chest, too (don't worry, you are worth more to us than your swimmers....).